Where Ever You Go There You Are

The Inheritance of John Innes "Office" Rocker

---

In the pantheon of all great nick-named individuals, my buddy John Rocker, stands tall. As the studious son of a notorious father, he spent many childhood hours in his room reading, organizing his baseball cards and generally staying out of the way of his ol' man. His dad wasn't that bad a guy but he wasn't a citizen either and he wanted junior to get out into the world and let some daylight into the swamp. Which was his way of saying that John should follow him into the logging biness and become a professional drinker who collected his wrecked cars out back.. Well John, of the delicate sensibility, resembled by poetic inclination more his gentle mother than his dad. But here's the fun, his mom's maiden name was "Innes" and in the habit of giving the first born male his mother's maiden name, he was christened, John Innes Rocker and they called him Innes. Well, Rocker the dad, when asked about the whereabouts of his son would always say, "Innes office" and not in a proud tone but rather as if it was the shame of the whole outfit that the boy took after his mother, just for comedy of course. All righty then, as in the case of good puns and great nicknames the symmetry was obvious and brilliant because John Innes "Office" Rocker was both "in his office" and "off his rocker" at the same time so how could he help becoming "Office" and then Offs for short.
When the ol boy died, Offs inherited the junk collection and the shack where he had studied as a child. He never new what to make of any of it and maintained he had been delivered to the wrong family as a baby and that was that. I, on the other hand, drank beer with his dad (later on) and shared his love of junk. Offs got a degree in marine biology and then maritime law.